L is for Letters

It seems as if writing letters has been a thing of the past. What happened to the good ol’ communication of putting ink on the paper? I know of very few people now who still continue to write letters. What prompted me to write this blog? Well – I received a New Year greeting from our very close friends, N and N. And enclosed with it was a little hand-written letter. A and I were so happy not just to read it, but simply see a hand-written letter. The feeling of getting a letter is so different than getting an e-mail or just a New Year greeting card or a greeting with the family’s photograph. That personal touch, the personal thought that goes in to writing a letter is evident when you read a letter. The personalizing of it makes a world of difference to a person who understands the value of a hand-written note or letter! When I see that hand-addressed envelope sitting in my mailbox, I have a smile on my face, and my walk quickens to go home and read it.

Have still continued to write letters. I still exchange letters with A’s and my mom. I would write in Gujarati (our spoken language at home in India) at times also. That used to be more frequent when I would communicate with my grandparents. It is an equally good feeling to pen a letter, as much as it is to receive one. Maybe you want to give it a try! It may feel odd initially. With communication having become more quick and efficient, it is highly likely that when you sit to write a letter to your parents or friends or significant other (if he/she stays away from you), you may not have matter to write. What I have felt is that when you sit to write a letter, there are things that come up, which may not come up in routine conversations.

The last I wrote a letter was when I sent a gift for another very close friend’s new born daughter. We were roommates in Mumbai and she’s now settled in LA, and is the mom of a beautiful baby girl. Every time I would write letters in Mumbai to my parents or grandparents in Baroda, she would always say, “When will you write me a letter?” Being in the same town, I never got an opportunity, but she did get a letter almost six years after that!

Letters make for beautiful memories! On a day when you’re feeling low, if you go back to the old letters that you got from your mom and dad, siblings, friends, loved ones, it would bring back your mood. For those who have lived in India or received letters from there would know of the light blue International mail letter. Sometimes, just seeing that envelope does the trick for me. For one of my birthdays, when I lived in Mumbai, K had given me this beautiful letter pad made of hand-made paper. It lasted a very long time and I still remember writing letters on those hand-made papers with a beautiful design on the top!

Some years back, when letters were already beginning to get replaced by e-mails, people would write long e-mails. And it would feel so good to see a long e-mail sitting in your inbox. A has a habit of writing good long e-mails once in a while. But now, getting long e-mails is also rare. They’re also becoming short and to the point.
I hope I convinced you to pick a pen and write a letter to anyone. Just think of the reaction they would have when they see a personal note from you! Happy writing!

SMS English in Daily Communication

SMS is short for Short Messaging Service. And yes, I am aware it used to cover as much information you can in 160 characters when you send a message to someone’s mobile phone. My question is: Why use the same kind of English in e-mails and social media (except Twitter, which has text limits)? There is no dearth of space in an e-mail or other forms of communication. Nor do you have to pay an extra buck for it. I am not against using small words when it comes to texting someone, but gets irritating when transferred to other media of communication.

Most people these days have a good control over the keyboard and have a good typing speed. It makes me wonder as to how much longer it will take if one wrote a complete word in regular English than in SMS English. Writing ‘dissertation’ will probably take two seconds longer than writing ‘dissy’! I have come across some formal mails also where people have used disastrous English to communicate through English, which is not even SMS English probably. Some alphabets like ‘g’ go missing at the end of a word for some people. It is absolutely normal for them to write ‘evenin’ or ‘clubbin’, etc. I may come across as old-fashioned when I write this, but I really wished people wrote regular English in e-mails, letters or other social media websites.

Here are some words that I’ve routinely seen that really makes me wish the above.

Sffring – it means ‘suffering’
Anvsry – it means ‘anniversary’
Dissy – it means ‘dissertation’
Sm – it means ‘some’ (This makes me think about the time it takes to write ‘sm’ and to write ‘some’)
Nt – it means ‘not’ (Again makes me think the same thing)
Hv nt – it means ‘have not’ (would be better if this were written on the cell phone, rather than e-mail)
Sumtyms – I know what it means, but again, there’s literally just two more alphabets to type in the original word of ‘sometimes’
Pychas –I think this one takes the cake. Guess what this means! And I’ve read this word written by quite a few people. It means ‘pictures’!!

Maybe people write this type of English to stay with the flow or keep up with the times! In this aspect, I continue to remain old-fashioned or ancient and write in the English I’ve grown up learning!

'Egg'ceptions Apply

I've been allergic to eggs since I was five or six years old. It never posed much of a problem in India as there always have been eggless foods to bank upon. A lot of people there do not eggs as they believe it to be a non-vegetarian food item and against their religion to eat it.

Before I came to the United States, A's sister and A had told me that a lot of food items will have egg here. Having come from India, I had never thought that ice-creams and some everyday breads can also have egg!

It so happens that when at a house party or when invited for dinner, I would ask if some food has egg, only to avoid a problematic situation for me as well as the hosts. Several families find it difficult to fathom that a person can have egg and other food allergies. Or some people feel that it is extremely uncommon for people of Indian origin to have food allergies. So over the years, have come across a wide array of things people have told me when I said I don't eat desserts, cakes or anything that has egg or eggs itself.

Here are some reasons that people have told me. And these are after I have told them that I am allergic and have been tested for it also just about a year or two back. Please feel free to tell me your experience, if you've had any on these lines.

1. Are you sure you have an egg allergy?

2. Why don't you try this food? It has egg, but who knows, you may not actually react!

One of the most common thing I get to hear is this:

3. I am sure it is psychological. You should keep an open mind. It's all in your mind. Just eat it. Then see what happens! Take the thought out of your mind and try it once.

4. Beta, does your entire family not eat egg? (I don't understand why family comes in this. But I still say that my dad, mom and sister eat, but I can't. And then I get to hear this) So only you don't FEEL like eating eggs?

One of the most bizarre ones I hear is this:

5. When A eats eggs, and everything else, then why don't you?

Even as I write this, I feel like telling them that there is just no connection in the question you just asked me.

6. Beta, you should do Pranayam, your allergies will go away. All allergies will go away if you do it everyday for X amount of time

7. Maybe you are plain scared to try eggs.

8. Why don't you start eating eggs now? Maybe you had allergies as a child. I have not heard of any adults having food allergies, so now you should eat eggs.

I started eating chicken a year back, not to increase my food options, but because I started enjoying it. So people's comments have reduced a little, but one comment remains.

9. See, now that you can eat chicken, try egg. I think it is a psychological barrier you have against eggs. When you eat non-vegetarian, what is wrong with eggs?

I had a funny experience when I was in Delhi this summer, visiting T. T, her daughter and I were out shopping. At lunch time, I thought of getting myself a butter chicken frankie. Out of my usual habit for checking if the tortilla (outer covering of frankie) had egg, I asked him if anything had egg. And the guy told me that they had a regular roti (Indian flat bread), then an omelette and inside that they put the chicken filling. So I told the man to omit the omelette and just put the filling in the roti. To which he said that the omelette will accentuate the flavor. And I persisted saying I still didn't want it. And then he said, "Lekin madam, aap ne toh chicken frankie order kiya hai. Phir bhi?" ("But madam, when you have ordered chicken frankie, why omit the egg?) After I said yes once again, he did omit the egg, but was definitely flustered at this weird order!!

I feel good that sometimes people are genuinely concerned and some will go the extra mile and read the tiresome list of ingredients when they go shopping. This really touches me that they went out of their way to accommodate me. It gets to me when people assume I have a psychological block over and over again.

One last bit of information for those who have egg allergies. Here are some foods to watch out for. They are foods that you may assume do not have eggs.

1. All flavors of Ben n Jerry and Haagen Dazs have egg.

2. Subway veggie patty has egg.

3. So do some multi-grain or 12 grain or 15-grain breads.

4. Some whole wheat organic and regular burger buns.

5. Most Kaiser rolls.

6. Indian flat breads in restaurants - especially naan and kulcha have egg most of the times. Won't hurt to ask if it does or doesn't.

Wish you all happy and healthy eating!

Annt Mein Kuch Nahin Rehta, Sirf Shabd Reh Jaate Hain (Nothing Remains In the End, Only Words Remain)

Was talking to a friend some time back. She was distressed and upset about the way she has been treated by some people. While talking to her, she happened to mention one thing, which is mentioned in the title. She said, that in the end, after one's physical's self ceases to exist, nothing and absolutely nothing remains. What one remembers a person is by the words s/he spoke. A small sentence, but so profound and so true.

If you sit back and think, this means a lot. In a way, it also impacts the way we live right now. We all know of close family people or friends who we may have lost. The reason they remain in our memories, in our thoughts is because of what they used to tell us or would have shared with us. Sounds cliched, but the reason we remember even those who didn't amass a great amount of wealth is because of the people they were and the words and thoughts that made them. Why then, do people spoil relations of a lifetime for materialistic pleasures?

Is it that difficult to be a good person? Which makes me think - 'being good' is very relative. Is it a case of 'easier said than done'?

This conversation made me think more on the lines of 'What does a person want to be remembered by'? 'Why are relationships more complex'? 'Can a relation be improved if one consistently keeps harming the relation?' It's not like we don't know that what matters eventually is the person who you are and that is how you'd be remembered. Yet, knowingly and unknowingly, people spoil and break ties. Why?

Marriage Matches May be Made in Heaven, But ...

Most girls have always dreamt of a particular way of the way they want their marriage to be. And for a lot of them, since they've quite young, they have an image in their mind of how the event would be. It is after all, one of the biggest days in their life. In some Indian cultures, it is said that birth, death and marriage are the three biggest things in a person life and one has no control on the three of them.

Have been noticing for some years how stressful planning a marriage can be. I want to divide this blog entry in two parts - on the financial stress and the overall stress that comes in to being with planning a wedding. Marriages in India are increasingly about keeping up with social norms, doing things at a wedding because other friends did it and to avoid adverse social gossip. In the recent past, have seen families where a marriage was going to take place and the bride-to-be or the parents took a loan for the wedding. The money would be used to get the trousseau, get gifts for the family and the new family, get jewelry for the bride, paying the rent for the marriage hall and much more. Have seen some cases where the bride and groom or one of them didn't want an extravagant wedding, but had to have one to fulfill a family's desires.

I have heard instances where after the wedding is completed, it is not that easy to pay a loan off. In India, with everyday living getting more expensive, re-paying the loan amount taken for a wedding is definitely not easy. And in the end, how much ever one strives for perfection and keeping up with the times for social events like this, those who want to find faults will still continue to. Someone told me that they took a loan, but felt that rather than respect everyone's desires, they should have kept it simple and not taken hefty loans.

I was talking about this with A, and he felt that what was the point of taking a loan for a wedding when a marriage itself is the biggest things and that is the thing of utmost importance. Couldn't have agreed more on that.

The next point is about the stress of a wedding. Makes me wonder when people say just a week or a day before their wedding as to how stressed they feel about wedding planning. Completing minor things like arranging decorative plates, decorating gifts, adhering to dates and times given by both sides of the wedding parties, coordinating things, maintaining tempers at home and also coming to a consensus on important things regarding the wedding. Marriages are meant to be enjoyed. Going back four years, when A and I got married, I think our parents and both of us were pretty care free and actually relished the time with both families. People stress about purchasing the right things, giving gifts to the new family of an appropriate value and which will be appreciated also and much more. A friend mentioned recently as to how she is looking the months to come as she'd be married and she no longer would have to worry about going home and plan for the wedding. She can sit back and take time out to enjoy with her friends now!

I am not against the excitement and happiness that comes with planning a wedding. Or against having a gala wedding if one wants. It is all about personal choices. But what makes me write this blog is when it becomes burdensome and stressful for the family and ceases to be a joyful way to plan a wedding. One does that only to keep up with the times. And that is what I've been noticing a lot in Indian families in India as well as here in the United States. More than anything else, it is the institution of marriage that is going to be cherished for a lifetime.

Facebook - Over The Years

The Facebook portal is not even ten years old! It was founded in 2004 by Harvard graduate Mark Zuckerberg. It catered primarily to high school and college students. In a short span of nearly six years, this social media site is now accessed not just by these two groups, but also moms and dads, grand parents, recruiting agents, teachers and others.
In random and not-so-random conversations with different people, I came to know of different reasons that people would join Facebook. "I get to see photographs of students I had taught several years back," said one of my teachers, who is now a 'Friend' on Facebook. A grandmother was once telling me that she joined Facebook so she could see the latest updates from her daughter and granddaughter. She added that, "I can even add comments on those photographs." In the past one year, have seen people in their late fifties or sixties as new entrants to Facebook. After hearing stories of how their children connected to some long-lost friends or acquaintances, they too joined Facebook to meet their friends with who they attended school about 40 years ago!
One dad was very surprised when his daughter, who was going to the dorm in Freshman year showed him the picture of her new room-mates, who she had not even met or contacted virtually at all. In her curiosity to know about them, she found them on this portal.
This portal is also used by those who want to spread awareness about social causes.

Be a little careful as you set yourself up in the virtual world. It is not new now that potential employees will check you on Facebook before they call you for an interview or just after one. This will give them an idea of who the 'real' you is! A word for the wise, as is being told by several people is that keep your 'Internet' image clean. It always helps to Google yourself once in a while!
I had a positive experience myself. Before I went for an interview for an internship, I came to know through Google of a school alumnus who had interned there previously. But didn't give me any contact details of her. Wanting to know her experience at that place, I entered her name in Facebook, and there she was! I got a prompt reply from her after I messaged her through this social media website.

Changing Times

This blog once again talks of the times back then and now. Growing up, I had seen aunties (Indian term of addressing a lady who was about your mother's age, or older or a bit younger), my mom included who were home makers. I remember thinking when I was young that it was not easy for my mom to manage home, cook two square meals, help N and I with homework, be socially active and do a whole host of other things.
My mother was a graduate from one of the well-known colleges of Mumbai. She always missed the opportunity of working professionally. And would tell both of us that wherever you are when you grow up, it is very important to be financially independent. And this was not just for the monetary aspect, she gave us that advice so that we can fend for ourselves, are capable of standing on our own two feet and in the process learn the lessons of life also. When I worked in Mumbai and even after I started working here in the United States, I feel that those words she said all those years back are still so relevant!

I feel so proud when husbands now support their wives to pursue their career opportunities. Again, these are things that a lot of us had not seen when we grew up. I was so happy when R would support M to start applying for jobs and help her create resumes for different jobs she applied for. Now that she has one, R guided M to approach the subject of a salary hike to her bosses.
In another instance, P would take mock interview sessions for H when she applied for admission in school. He would also drive her to and fro from where she had to practice for those entrance exams for admission in the school.

Our close friends P and U also have a similar story. P is very accomodating and would urge U to take a breather once she is home from work than enter the kitchen to make rotis (Indian flatbread, made of wheat flour). "We can eat frozen food tonight," P would say. But U being U, she will go the extra mile to eat healthy!

A himself has been so very supportive and encouraging when I am in a new field altogether and need more time to study, or am tied for time as I juggle work, classes and home. Like several other men, he is absolutely fine with not getting home-made rotis seven days a week or having the house spic and span. I remember he had signed me up to attend a journalism conference even before I came to the United States for the first time as he felt it would be ideal for me to start building contacts in this field. For him, it is much more important that I do something meaningful professionally and achieve something. There have been times when am busy or just don't feel like it, he would cook for the week.

These are signs of how times are changing, how relations, priorities and aspirations are evolving over time. More moms back home would be proud of what their daughters and sons are doing to achieve something they always wanted for themselves and their children also!