Annt Mein Kuch Nahin Rehta, Sirf Shabd Reh Jaate Hain (Nothing Remains In the End, Only Words Remain)

Was talking to a friend some time back. She was distressed and upset about the way she has been treated by some people. While talking to her, she happened to mention one thing, which is mentioned in the title. She said, that in the end, after one's physical's self ceases to exist, nothing and absolutely nothing remains. What one remembers a person is by the words s/he spoke. A small sentence, but so profound and so true.

If you sit back and think, this means a lot. In a way, it also impacts the way we live right now. We all know of close family people or friends who we may have lost. The reason they remain in our memories, in our thoughts is because of what they used to tell us or would have shared with us. Sounds cliched, but the reason we remember even those who didn't amass a great amount of wealth is because of the people they were and the words and thoughts that made them. Why then, do people spoil relations of a lifetime for materialistic pleasures?

Is it that difficult to be a good person? Which makes me think - 'being good' is very relative. Is it a case of 'easier said than done'?

This conversation made me think more on the lines of 'What does a person want to be remembered by'? 'Why are relationships more complex'? 'Can a relation be improved if one consistently keeps harming the relation?' It's not like we don't know that what matters eventually is the person who you are and that is how you'd be remembered. Yet, knowingly and unknowingly, people spoil and break ties. Why?

Marriage Matches May be Made in Heaven, But ...

Most girls have always dreamt of a particular way of the way they want their marriage to be. And for a lot of them, since they've quite young, they have an image in their mind of how the event would be. It is after all, one of the biggest days in their life. In some Indian cultures, it is said that birth, death and marriage are the three biggest things in a person life and one has no control on the three of them.

Have been noticing for some years how stressful planning a marriage can be. I want to divide this blog entry in two parts - on the financial stress and the overall stress that comes in to being with planning a wedding. Marriages in India are increasingly about keeping up with social norms, doing things at a wedding because other friends did it and to avoid adverse social gossip. In the recent past, have seen families where a marriage was going to take place and the bride-to-be or the parents took a loan for the wedding. The money would be used to get the trousseau, get gifts for the family and the new family, get jewelry for the bride, paying the rent for the marriage hall and much more. Have seen some cases where the bride and groom or one of them didn't want an extravagant wedding, but had to have one to fulfill a family's desires.

I have heard instances where after the wedding is completed, it is not that easy to pay a loan off. In India, with everyday living getting more expensive, re-paying the loan amount taken for a wedding is definitely not easy. And in the end, how much ever one strives for perfection and keeping up with the times for social events like this, those who want to find faults will still continue to. Someone told me that they took a loan, but felt that rather than respect everyone's desires, they should have kept it simple and not taken hefty loans.

I was talking about this with A, and he felt that what was the point of taking a loan for a wedding when a marriage itself is the biggest things and that is the thing of utmost importance. Couldn't have agreed more on that.

The next point is about the stress of a wedding. Makes me wonder when people say just a week or a day before their wedding as to how stressed they feel about wedding planning. Completing minor things like arranging decorative plates, decorating gifts, adhering to dates and times given by both sides of the wedding parties, coordinating things, maintaining tempers at home and also coming to a consensus on important things regarding the wedding. Marriages are meant to be enjoyed. Going back four years, when A and I got married, I think our parents and both of us were pretty care free and actually relished the time with both families. People stress about purchasing the right things, giving gifts to the new family of an appropriate value and which will be appreciated also and much more. A friend mentioned recently as to how she is looking the months to come as she'd be married and she no longer would have to worry about going home and plan for the wedding. She can sit back and take time out to enjoy with her friends now!

I am not against the excitement and happiness that comes with planning a wedding. Or against having a gala wedding if one wants. It is all about personal choices. But what makes me write this blog is when it becomes burdensome and stressful for the family and ceases to be a joyful way to plan a wedding. One does that only to keep up with the times. And that is what I've been noticing a lot in Indian families in India as well as here in the United States. More than anything else, it is the institution of marriage that is going to be cherished for a lifetime.

Facebook - Over The Years

The Facebook portal is not even ten years old! It was founded in 2004 by Harvard graduate Mark Zuckerberg. It catered primarily to high school and college students. In a short span of nearly six years, this social media site is now accessed not just by these two groups, but also moms and dads, grand parents, recruiting agents, teachers and others.
In random and not-so-random conversations with different people, I came to know of different reasons that people would join Facebook. "I get to see photographs of students I had taught several years back," said one of my teachers, who is now a 'Friend' on Facebook. A grandmother was once telling me that she joined Facebook so she could see the latest updates from her daughter and granddaughter. She added that, "I can even add comments on those photographs." In the past one year, have seen people in their late fifties or sixties as new entrants to Facebook. After hearing stories of how their children connected to some long-lost friends or acquaintances, they too joined Facebook to meet their friends with who they attended school about 40 years ago!
One dad was very surprised when his daughter, who was going to the dorm in Freshman year showed him the picture of her new room-mates, who she had not even met or contacted virtually at all. In her curiosity to know about them, she found them on this portal.
This portal is also used by those who want to spread awareness about social causes.

Be a little careful as you set yourself up in the virtual world. It is not new now that potential employees will check you on Facebook before they call you for an interview or just after one. This will give them an idea of who the 'real' you is! A word for the wise, as is being told by several people is that keep your 'Internet' image clean. It always helps to Google yourself once in a while!
I had a positive experience myself. Before I went for an interview for an internship, I came to know through Google of a school alumnus who had interned there previously. But didn't give me any contact details of her. Wanting to know her experience at that place, I entered her name in Facebook, and there she was! I got a prompt reply from her after I messaged her through this social media website.

Changing Times

This blog once again talks of the times back then and now. Growing up, I had seen aunties (Indian term of addressing a lady who was about your mother's age, or older or a bit younger), my mom included who were home makers. I remember thinking when I was young that it was not easy for my mom to manage home, cook two square meals, help N and I with homework, be socially active and do a whole host of other things.
My mother was a graduate from one of the well-known colleges of Mumbai. She always missed the opportunity of working professionally. And would tell both of us that wherever you are when you grow up, it is very important to be financially independent. And this was not just for the monetary aspect, she gave us that advice so that we can fend for ourselves, are capable of standing on our own two feet and in the process learn the lessons of life also. When I worked in Mumbai and even after I started working here in the United States, I feel that those words she said all those years back are still so relevant!

I feel so proud when husbands now support their wives to pursue their career opportunities. Again, these are things that a lot of us had not seen when we grew up. I was so happy when R would support M to start applying for jobs and help her create resumes for different jobs she applied for. Now that she has one, R guided M to approach the subject of a salary hike to her bosses.
In another instance, P would take mock interview sessions for H when she applied for admission in school. He would also drive her to and fro from where she had to practice for those entrance exams for admission in the school.

Our close friends P and U also have a similar story. P is very accomodating and would urge U to take a breather once she is home from work than enter the kitchen to make rotis (Indian flatbread, made of wheat flour). "We can eat frozen food tonight," P would say. But U being U, she will go the extra mile to eat healthy!

A himself has been so very supportive and encouraging when I am in a new field altogether and need more time to study, or am tied for time as I juggle work, classes and home. Like several other men, he is absolutely fine with not getting home-made rotis seven days a week or having the house spic and span. I remember he had signed me up to attend a journalism conference even before I came to the United States for the first time as he felt it would be ideal for me to start building contacts in this field. For him, it is much more important that I do something meaningful professionally and achieve something. There have been times when am busy or just don't feel like it, he would cook for the week.

These are signs of how times are changing, how relations, priorities and aspirations are evolving over time. More moms back home would be proud of what their daughters and sons are doing to achieve something they always wanted for themselves and their children also!

Misconceptions Galore

How many times have we seen really bizarre questions being asked about a particular country? Ignorance doesn't seem to be the only reason for this. Over the course of nearly four years in this country, I've seen that people in the United States and people in India have several misconceptions about the other country.

I must have easily been asked more than a dozen times if my writing as a journalist in India was in English or my mother tongue. When they would know that growing up in India, I have been speaking English since I was three or four, it would surprise them to no end. And then questions would come up like, "You learnt English, but did you also write for English newspapers and magazines?" "How is it that people in India would speak and read English and not just their own language?" I would reason with them initially, and then learnt to decipher with who to reason, and who to just smile at when they asked this question.

I have also come across those who say, "But people in China do not speak English. How do you?"

Another extremely common question asked is, "Do you still see camels and elephants on the road everyday?" There are so many people who fail to keep up with current developments and know that India has developed by leaps and bounds in the past decade.

M once told me that when she said that she didn't eat chicken regularly in India, her colleagues remarked, "Did you not eat chicken regularly because India is a poor nation and you wouldn't get it often?"

On the other hand, I've seen people from India have misconceptions about the United States as well. My mother was really happy to see that families here make the effort to spend time with their children. She really liked that parents would take their toddlers to the library on a weekend or take them to a park or that parents and their adolescent children will go together to a restaurant. Like a lot of people in India, she too was under the impression that in this country parents have their own schedule and children are on their own and that a healthy family life was difficult to have here.

I'll again bring up my trip to India. Even when I lived in India, I never really developed a taste for alcohol. When we would go for dinner to family friends' houses, uncles and aunties would offer wine or other alcoholic drinks and I would decline. They wouldn't say anything, but their look said that if she has lived there, then also why doesn't she drink alcohol? Why would they think that just because I live in America, I would enjoy alcohol?

A tells me that we have to tell one person at a time what the ground reality is and that that is the only way people know what the base reality is. Will keep updating this post as I come across more of such discussions

House Help - How helpful?

Coming from India, I was used to seeing house maids or baais (as they are called in India) in and out of my house everyday. I could say that almost every house would have house help to aid with laundry, house cleaning and dishes. For those who have never had maids at home, it could be a little daunting. I would like to say that if you're thinking that having a maid at home to do all the chores will make day-to-day life very smooth and leave you spare time, then please re-consider your thought.

Residents from this southern part of Asia will have very interesting anecdotes to tell about their house help. The first step to having a maid is to find one. And in Baroda where I grew up, this was a steep task. Once you found a maid and the tough task of negotiating the rate was done, then came the training part. Every mom wanted her house chores to be done in a specific manner. It would be at least a couple of months before the maid was set in her routine.

Then comes an interesting twist. Almost everyone faces days when you have become dependent on the help and have set your routine according to theirs. One fine day the maid doesn't turn up, without any notice. All hell breaks loose at this point. The women of the house have already wasted time waiting for the baai to turn up. When he/she doesn't, they nervously think how to finish all those chores of doing the daily laundry, cleaning the house and doing the dishes.

This waiting and then nervously coming up with a plan to do chores on my own is one thing I am glad I don't have to do over here. Having lived with and without a house help now, I am glad to do things on my own now. I don't end up wasting time micromanaging the help, coordinate my schedule with theirs and also supervise their work.

On my trip to India this summer, I saw that several of my friends invest a lot of time just instructing the help what to do for one particular day, come up with work just to keep the maid occupied and managing the one or two house helps that are there at the same time. As V very aptly said, "When you know that there is no one to help you, you just do things on your own. And because of this, I like the routine that people are set in, in the United States. It doesn't go haywire." This is so true. At least you do not get dependent on someone and then have almost a panic attack when the dependent person is not there. And when you do your chores on your own, you are bound to do them nicely.

I saw a whole new dimension of house help in Mumbai. Maids will drop the children to the bus stop and pick them up when they return home from school. When a family relative told some mothers of her daughter's classmates that she will not have a maid to do that job and that she'd rather drop her daughter herself at the bus stop, the mothers didn't like it. It was almost a norm for kids to be dropped by the maids.

Though there are times here when we do miss house help. Like when a child is born and you need sleep and don't really want to spend time in the kitchen, you are bound to do that and do the laundry and run the dishwasher also! Or during parties or family functions when there is immense work load in terms of cleaning the house, getting the silverware out, and more. But then there always will be pros and cons to any situation.

Writing this blog took me back to all those years when there would be house help and then not have them at the most crucial time like N's wedding or an illness or having guests at home. It also reminded me of some of the nicest house help who I will always remember fondly. It brings a smile to my face when I remember of those phone calls my mother would make to neighbors or they would call my mom and say, "My maid is not here today, if yours does turn up, can you send her at my place for some time. I really need help today!" Here's to all those wonderful memories!

Cooking Made Easier With Everyday Products

On my trip to India during the summer, I decided to make quesadillas for A's parents and my parents. His parents had them before, but my parents had not. The night before I wanted to make them, a very simple thought came to my mind. Cooking in the United States is way more easier than it is in India.

My mom soaked red kidney beans overnight, so I could use them for my dish the next step. This was the first step that would be avoided if I were here. Get a can of Bush's canned kidney beans, open the can and your beans are ready to use. The next day, I made salsa from scratch to put in the quesadilla. I make that here also, but again, a step that can be very easily avoided if time is a restraining factor. There is no dearth of getting salsas - whichever ones suit your palette - hot, medium or mild, chunky or not. You do get ready made salsas in India, but cost was a factor and a more important factor was how much were my parents going to use after I left!

Next was shredding cheese. Because of the size of packets of cheese you get there, we just decided to get a block of cheese and shred it. This was not bad at all as it hardly took any time.

In the evening came one of the most tedious tasks. I am sure several people would not make quesadillas if it were not for the ready made corn or flour tortillas. Since those were not available there, mom and I made them, just the way we get it here in the store. We made the dough, she rolled the tortilla and I semi-cooked them and wrapped them in a piece of cloth.

I made a kidney bean and veggie filling for the quesadilla.

After all these steps, I was ready to do the simple task of making the dish, that is not at all time consuming. The efforts were paid off as A's and my parents thoroughly enjoyed the quesadilla. When I was patting the quesadilla on the pan, my mother quietly quipped, "No wonder everyone makes this so often there. Everything is ready-made, and so naturally it is easy for you to make this frequently!" She sure was right on that one.

The biggest benefit was that I got to cook with my mom, spend time with her, and relive memories of the past when we'd just sit in the kitchen as she would cook and we'd talk!

If you give a moment's thought, it is not just quesadilla that makes cooking easier over here. Most dishes are not just fairly easy to cook, but not time consuming also. Students, stay-at-home moms, working mothers, dads and others do not have time to spend in the kitchen and cook for a couple of hours. So many things are at our disposal, at a reasonable price also. Things like canned beans, chopped lettuce and other greens for salads, pasta sauces - alfredo, marinara, chopped vegetables ready to throw in the pan and saute, and so many other ingredients can be incorporated in everyday dishes to make cooking quicker, healthier and easier. We tend to take things for granted, but like other situations, when you do not have something, you then realize the value of it.

Despite the ease of cooking here, people tend to eat out a lot. In the recent past, A and I have met friends and other acquaintances who said that when they consciously make an effort to eat home-cooked food, not only does it make them feel better health-wise, but also makes their pockets better too!